I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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