so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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