Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
