No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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