somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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