I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
