We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
