I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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