I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
