i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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