So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
