just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
