Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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