I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you inspire me to be a worse person
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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