Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
