My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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