The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
