What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
