She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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