Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
