so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
