i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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