then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
