I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
