I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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