Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
