My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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