need another drink. this is the easiest way
if you like me you must not know who I am
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
