he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
