are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I think I won the penis lottery.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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