i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
