how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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