Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
