honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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