I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
