He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's shark week go big or go home
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
