I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
