I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
