I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
