I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
now i know why i became what i already was.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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