i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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