UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I FOUND THE LEGS
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
