how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
