Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
