I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
