I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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