Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Randomize
