remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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