he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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