Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
