If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Im part way to drunk.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
